Close your eyes. Picture a time when there was a version of you that only thought about you. What were you doing? What did you think about? Who was that person? If you are like me, that person was a carefree teenager, cruising down the streets with my sunroof open on my way to a "can't miss" event. Or maybe it is the version of you that is in college. Maybe you weren't nicknamed the "Hurricane" in college, but I bet you likely lived life a little bit on the wild side and threw caution to the wind. Maybe that version of you only had one choice and it was whether or not to stay in bed or to go to class (my Mom and Dad would like to think I always picked class). (I didn't).
Now look in the mirror. Do you still see the same person and the same version of you? Just tell me how you do it if you do see this same version! However, if you are like me, you might see a wife and a mother smiling back (or yawning). The journey to get to this point has been such an exciting road and now we have the sweetest little girl to show for it. (And yes, an absolutely amazing husband as well!)
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From the moment I saw the pink + sign on that stick, I felt it. Guilt. I remember thinking to myself that I was already the worst pregnant mom because I didn't eat enough vegetables, drink enough water, and I definitely didn't read enough mom books, or research information online. Not to mention, I totally, sometimes, more often than I should have, ate hot dogs and had ONE soda a week (can you even imagine doing such things?!). This guilt only increased throughout my pregnancy and the moment our little Olivia was born, it got even worse. Once Olivia was born, I convinced myself that everything I did was likely wrong and would be detrimental to our daughter. At around 3 months I remember crying because I had ONE adult beverage HOURS prior to nursing and I was certain that the authorities should probably lock me up for good for being an awful mother.
I was hoping that as I became a more "experienced" mother over the months that the guilt would subside. But then I went back to work and the hours I spent away from my daughter were hard on me and naturally caused an unnerving feeling in the back of my mind day in and day out. Not to mention that on that first day of work I felt guilty because I hadn't even cried when I dropped her off. Clearly I am an insensitive, uncaring mother if I don't even cry the day I leave my child for the first time, right? I remember sitting at my desk at work contemplating calling day care, deciding not to call, and then feeling guilty for being a mother that didn't call day care on the first day. The battle inside my head is worse than the battle for which Kardashian sister is the WORST. (Just kidding, because I secretly love that show).
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When we learned of Olivia's developmental delays we started the process of at home physical therapy two times a week. Additionally, each night, my husband and I work on specific tasks or "homework" as the therapist calls it, to help with Livi's development. Mike and I try to spend at least 15-30 minutes on specific areas to help Olivia move ahead in the right direction. This little dino toy was suggested by the therapist to help with balance and she loves it!
Now as you can imagine, as most mom's (and dad's) have experienced on some occasions, you get home from a very hard/long day of work and you are exhausted and all you want to do is a have an "easy" night with your child and place them in a location that is safe and makes them happy (and gives you quiet time, and is otherwise known as a bouncer in our house). But what happens when the guilt to help your child eats at you each day? The feeling that if you don't spend specific time doing specific activities that your child will fall behind, and it will be all YOUR fault? I hope you do not personally experience this feeling, though I am sure you can understand how I feel.
There are many things that I do to prevent the mom guilt, and I am sure there are many moms that do the same things because moms have this need to put their children before them. I feel the need to forgo the trips ALONE to Target so that I don't feel guilty not only for leaving my child at home, but also so that I don't miss out on a free moment with my child. I feel the need to hold off eating, even when I am starving so that I can make sure my child is fed, changed, cleaned, napped, played, or ANY reason that one can think of that my child might need in place of me finding one single morsel of food to make it into my mouth. And when I am exhausted and all I want to do is lay around on a Sunday and watch Lifetime movies like I did in college, instead, I think of activities and ways to keep Olivia occupied and entertained, despite my desire to sleep in my inviting bed.
So while this version of me in the mirror is one that I have never seen before, it is also one that I am slowly getting used to seeing. This version puts my child first. Though, not surprisingly, on some occasions I am not successful at putting Olivia first. Sometimes I do decide to lay in my bed and bounce my daughter in the bouncer while she sucks on her pacifier. Mom guilt is inevitable, but that's okay because sometimes moms just need mom time! Sometimes I just need to shut the door and have a moment to gather my thoughts. And when I emerge from my 5 minutes (HA, okay, 2 minutes) of quiet time, I am willing to bet that the mom guilt I feel will still be there in some way, shape or form. So, for now, I am going to love my daughter with all that I've got and hope my love for her will be enough to get me through the moments when I doubt myself as a mom.
Now look in the mirror. Do you still see the same person and the same version of you? Just tell me how you do it if you do see this same version! However, if you are like me, you might see a wife and a mother smiling back (or yawning). The journey to get to this point has been such an exciting road and now we have the sweetest little girl to show for it. (And yes, an absolutely amazing husband as well!)
From the moment I saw the pink + sign on that stick, I felt it. Guilt. I remember thinking to myself that I was already the worst pregnant mom because I didn't eat enough vegetables, drink enough water, and I definitely didn't read enough mom books, or research information online. Not to mention, I totally, sometimes, more often than I should have, ate hot dogs and had ONE soda a week (can you even imagine doing such things?!). This guilt only increased throughout my pregnancy and the moment our little Olivia was born, it got even worse. Once Olivia was born, I convinced myself that everything I did was likely wrong and would be detrimental to our daughter. At around 3 months I remember crying because I had ONE adult beverage HOURS prior to nursing and I was certain that the authorities should probably lock me up for good for being an awful mother.
I was hoping that as I became a more "experienced" mother over the months that the guilt would subside. But then I went back to work and the hours I spent away from my daughter were hard on me and naturally caused an unnerving feeling in the back of my mind day in and day out. Not to mention that on that first day of work I felt guilty because I hadn't even cried when I dropped her off. Clearly I am an insensitive, uncaring mother if I don't even cry the day I leave my child for the first time, right? I remember sitting at my desk at work contemplating calling day care, deciding not to call, and then feeling guilty for being a mother that didn't call day care on the first day. The battle inside my head is worse than the battle for which Kardashian sister is the WORST. (Just kidding, because I secretly love that show).
When we learned of Olivia's developmental delays we started the process of at home physical therapy two times a week. Additionally, each night, my husband and I work on specific tasks or "homework" as the therapist calls it, to help with Livi's development. Mike and I try to spend at least 15-30 minutes on specific areas to help Olivia move ahead in the right direction. This little dino toy was suggested by the therapist to help with balance and she loves it!
Now as you can imagine, as most mom's (and dad's) have experienced on some occasions, you get home from a very hard/long day of work and you are exhausted and all you want to do is a have an "easy" night with your child and place them in a location that is safe and makes them happy (and gives you quiet time, and is otherwise known as a bouncer in our house). But what happens when the guilt to help your child eats at you each day? The feeling that if you don't spend specific time doing specific activities that your child will fall behind, and it will be all YOUR fault? I hope you do not personally experience this feeling, though I am sure you can understand how I feel.
There are many things that I do to prevent the mom guilt, and I am sure there are many moms that do the same things because moms have this need to put their children before them. I feel the need to forgo the trips ALONE to Target so that I don't feel guilty not only for leaving my child at home, but also so that I don't miss out on a free moment with my child. I feel the need to hold off eating, even when I am starving so that I can make sure my child is fed, changed, cleaned, napped, played, or ANY reason that one can think of that my child might need in place of me finding one single morsel of food to make it into my mouth. And when I am exhausted and all I want to do is lay around on a Sunday and watch Lifetime movies like I did in college, instead, I think of activities and ways to keep Olivia occupied and entertained, despite my desire to sleep in my inviting bed.
So while this version of me in the mirror is one that I have never seen before, it is also one that I am slowly getting used to seeing. This version puts my child first. Though, not surprisingly, on some occasions I am not successful at putting Olivia first. Sometimes I do decide to lay in my bed and bounce my daughter in the bouncer while she sucks on her pacifier. Mom guilt is inevitable, but that's okay because sometimes moms just need mom time! Sometimes I just need to shut the door and have a moment to gather my thoughts. And when I emerge from my 5 minutes (HA, okay, 2 minutes) of quiet time, I am willing to bet that the mom guilt I feel will still be there in some way, shape or form. So, for now, I am going to love my daughter with all that I've got and hope my love for her will be enough to get me through the moments when I doubt myself as a mom.
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