Fighting the clock and the calendar

The year 2013 was quite the year for our family.  I moved from my job with a company I had known for over 6 years to take a risk, and a leap of faith, as a temp for the local university.  My job as a temp was a "super" temping job where I attended mandatory training on all university programs for two weeks and then placed in a temporary position.  It was during these two weeks of training in March that I also learned the diagnosis for Olivia.

Our daughter seemed fine.  Everything seemed fine, or so I told myself.  I refrained from looking things up on the Internet and definitely did not want to look up what "hand in fist" resulted in the list of matches from a Goggle search.  So Mike and I hadn't anticipated that the doctor would provide us with an opinion, a verdict, or prognosis and as such, my Mother-In-Law traveled to the appointment with my husband in my absence.  During lunch I was finally able escape my training to make my way to the next appointment with the physical therapist.  Instead I found my husband and Mother-In-Law sitting in the car feeding Olivia.  I climbed in the car and anxiously asked how the appointment had gone.

Cerebral Palsy.  Cerebral Palsy?  Cerebral Palsy. 

This cannot be true.  This cannot be real.  This cannot be happening.  But it was and it still is.  In 2013 alone we have gone through a series of doctors appointments from an MRI to genetic testing to bi-weekly therapy to weekly therapy and an intense four week long constraint therapy and to a ton of appointments at Kluge.  The past months of 2013 play through my head like a movie montage.  And as the days of the calendar slip away we have all worked to heal and move on in our journey together.  But it is an easier task said than done. 

I recently read this blog by Mammalingo (thanks to Megan) about the "Sh*t Every New Parent Should Know".  There were some great things listed, but what really stood out to me was this:

"Don't be too hard on yourself. Do you love your baby? Are you doing the best you can? Has anyone contacted the authorities? If you can answer "yes," "yes" and "no" then pat yourself on the back because it's going well so far!"

Well, if the basis for thinking you are doing a good job as a parent is the fact that the authorities haven't been called, then consider me the BEST Mom Ever!   But in reality, is it enough to just love your child?  Because while I love my daughter more than life, I am often guilt-ridden because I feel as though I have not done enough to help Olivia in this battle.  Sometimes I just want to be lazy.  I want to sit and have my child play and not think about whether or not she is using a certain hand or doing a certain motion.  I cry unfair!  I cry foul!  I cry why me?  But as my wise friend pointed out to me, this is not about me.  None of this is about me.  Cerebral palsy isn't about me.  This is Olivia's battle and her's alone. 

Every morning I fight the battle against my alarm clock and sometimes that alarm clock wins and I get up and I go to the gym.  And sometimes, that darn alarm doesn't win and I continue to sleep for an extra hour.  Essentially, I give up, and my laziness takes over and I welcome the little bit of sleep that trickles my way.  But I realized Olivia doesn't have a snooze button for her cerebral palsy.  She can't choose to wait another day or to work on this later.  Olivia doesn't have a choice, so I shouldn't get to have one either.

 It is this battle with the clock and the calendar that I think about all the time. It is as though I am in a race I am never going to win and I always feel as though I didn't get a chance to warm up, to stretch or to hydrate myself.  But does anyone get that chance in life?  Is anyone ever prepared for what comes their way?  No, they are not.  So instead of fighting the clock and the calendar, I am going to be a turtle, slow and steady.  I am going to take this journey one day at a time.  Make a plan, schedule and follow it so that I can feel good about my part in this so that Olivia can succeed.  Some days will be great, and others will be okay.  But I will know I am doing my absolute best because Olivia deserves it.  Because for now, all we have are each other (and Daddy) and I want Olivia to know that we gave her all that we had in this battle against cerebral palsy.