A special weekend with Olivia

This past weekend, Mike went off to Chicago for a "mancation" with his friends to sit outside in 9 degree and snow filled weather to watch a hockey game.  Should I get him checked out?  He might be insane, although there were several thousand other fans there too.  But, whew that is cold.  This Southern girl cannot handle that kind of temperatures!  So while Mike relished every minute being in the freezing cold air, Olivia and I stayed home with our relatively warm weather.  We had a very busy weekend visiting my parents, sister, going to The Little Gym, Discovery Museum, going for wagon rides and out to eat.  We also had one exhausted Mommy....And sometimes a very exhausted Olivia.

It was great to have the opportunity to have one-on-one time with my little girl.  It gave me the opportunity to really sit back and watch her, without distractions (i.e.- no breaks, at all).  In some ways, I felt as though I was seeing Olivia through her own eyes, but maybe I was just seeing what I sometimes block out to the corners of my mind.  But this weekend I saw the truth behind the damage caused by cerebral palsy, or really caused by her stroke.  It seemed like everywhere I went I was constantly reminded of the differences between my child and of the lives of the children that were playing happily around me.

We just enrolled Olivia in weekly classes at The Little Gym.  Mike and I thought it would be a great way to help get in some stretches, movement, work on her core and more than anything, for her to simply have a great time.  And she did. She loves hearing the rhythmic noises as she moves the neon green shakers back and forth.  She loves dancing to the songs and when I help her walk around the room to the loud beat of the song.  She loves taking the ball to the hoop for a basket (with Mommy's help) and it turns out, she LOVES bubbles.

As I watched her laugh so hard, she doubled over onto the mat, I could not help but look around the room at the differences among all the children.  Obviously since the ages range from 10 to 19 months, the ability levels vary.  But the only thing that varies between other children and my own is the right side of her body.  Olivia loved walking up the ramp while holding the basketball and then having me lift her up for a big dunk.  But while the other children held their ball with two hands way out in front of them, I had to help Olivia walk, and help her hold the ball and lift her to the basket and get the ball to go through the hoop.  It went from such an easy activity to something that took on the need for MacGyver like maneuvers for Mom.

Later as we sat around the mat while the teacher produced tons of bubbles for all the children, one of the Mothers turns to me and asks how old my daughter was.  I replied 18 months and she says "OH".  Then she she says, my son is 15 months and cannot walk either.  You know that instant feeling you get when you see a kid on the verge of an accident, toppling off their bike, falling off of something, etc...?  That is what it feels like when people ask questions or make statements about my daughter without knowing her background, her story.  It is not their fault, how in the world would they know Olivia has cerebral palsy?  By all accounts, and at first glance, it is very hard to tell there are any differences at all.  Sometimes even close friends and family forget.  But the right side weaknesses, the challenges, the differences, they are there.

But I brush it off and only let it go in my brain for a moment and then suddenly I have Olivia working to climb into my lap.  My neighbor and her son joined us at The Little Gym this weekend and from there we all made our way to the Discovery Museum and then to lunch.  After a fun filled day, Olivia was fading quickly, and as we worked to pack up the millions of things that come with a one year old and an eighteen month old, we hit a snag trying to get Olivia's jacket on.  I know it seems like such an easy task, but with Olivia it is a little tricky.  I have to always start with her right arm first, which is what she will have to do when she is older and able to dress herself.  But for right now, I have to start with her right arm because she does not push her arm through the armhole on her own.  I had never thought about the difficulty that goes into putting on her jacket as much as I was thinking about it right then and there.  I just couldn't get her right hand to go through her jacket sleeve.  And as my neighbor and I were trying to make our way out, unsuccessfully, we were also standing right in the middle the aisle.  The table next to us then turns to me and says, "man, she really doesn't want to put on her jacket".  (Wince, blinking, watching a child in a slow motion accident).  Finally through Olivia's cries and tears, I get her right arm through her jacket, she pushes her left arm through on her own, and then we are on our way.  Finally.  But not without again thinking about how sometimes such easy tasks turn into a difficult and stressful situation when with other children this may not be the case.

But as a Mother (or Father) don't we all do this in some way?  Don't we all look around and compare our children to those in their class or in the neighborhood?  Wondering whether your child is meeting milestones as they should, learning their numbers or ABC's as they should or even better than where they should be.  Or if they have enough words in their vocabulary and counting to see if other kids in the class are creating sentences.  Wondering who is ahead of the class or behind, and wondering if your child is different then the rest.  We don't even stop there, we judge ourselves, as Mothers and Fathers, do we make baked goods or do we buy them, do we make the birthday decorations or do we buy them?  Is this simply human nature to compare yourself or your child to others?  I am not sure I know anyone that is able to feel completely comfortable that their own child is without a doubt exactly where he or she is supposed to be.

Sooooo tired Mommy!

This weekend I learned that the wincing feeling I get only has to do with my own feelings, and my understanding of Olivia's disability as it compares to others.  It has nothing to do with her.  Olivia is happy, strong and brave, she doesn't wince when she can't do something, she keeps tumbling along until she gets to where she needs to go.  She creates her own path, she shakes her own neon green shaker.  She can do it.  She can do anything.  Maybe there is something to learn from children as they all randomly exist on the play mat together.  They don't look up at the children around them and feel inadequate for how they are playing  with a toy compared to their playmates. They just play how they want to, do what they want and it is all because they are who they are and they don't know any other way to be.  So for now, thanks to my special weekend with Olivia, I am going to work to maintain the attitude of a soon-to-be toddler.  I am going to put all my energy and focus into my daughter and where she is in her journey because Olivia's journey is the only one that matters to me.