By the time I graduated college my friends and I had experienced the pain of losing more than our fair share of classmates, friends and neighbors. All were taken far too soon, before experiencing so many of the great things in life, before really having time to make enough mistakes to regret making them, before understanding what the word regret really means.
Senior prom. It's a big deal for so many reasons, but for me it was mostly the signal of the end of high school and there was a sadness in the air, hanging right there in the middle of the laughter and music. A new era was rolling in right before our eyes and we were all too young to stop and appreciate what was right in front of our faces. At the time I was focused on having fun, being with my friends, but I didn't realize that prom would be one of the last few times I would see my date, Conrad.
After prom Conrad and I didn't end up dating, we were friends and had fun when we hung out and we left it at that. After we graduated we went to colleges a mere 10 miles apart. And in true "it's a small world" fashion, my new freshman roommate happened to be friends with Conrad's hallmate in his dorm. We took a few trips to his college to hang out, but after awhile college life got in the way and our visits became far and few between. In December, I got the news. I don't even remember who called me, or how I found out. I just remember sitting in the hall of my suite crying. Conrad had passed away. It was only seven months ago that we had laughed and danced together at prom. How could this happen?
At the funeral all I remember is taking pictures of the two of us and dropping them on the casket. I turned around and Conrad's father was there and then he laid on the casket, hugging it tight and crying. It was too much to bare. 18 is too young to die, too young to lose a child.
Years later my husband and I were at a Halloween party at my friends house. We had just gotten married that spring, so of course we were starting to get the baby questions. My friend's Mom, had inquired about when children might be coming along and I told her the thought of raising a child is terrifying because I am so afraid that something awful will happen too soon, too young. I told her I couldn't imagine having a child only to have me outlive them, it would be a pain too great.
Her response to this conversation was identical to the guidance my Father had given me when I questioned him years ago about why Conrad had passed away at such a young age. It wasn't fair, why him, why now? I will never forget that night when my Father had told me: Erin, you can't live life like that, for the what if's. You do the best you can, you raise your child to have good morals, teach them right from wrong, how to make good decisions and tough choices and then you hope they succeed when pushed to the test. You just do the best you can and you love them with all you have.
While I remember the words that were said to me, it was much harder to live by this philosophy. Throughout my pregnancy, I was convinced that something was wrong, all.the.time. I often couldn't feel Olivia moving and I was certain something was wrong. I can't explain it, and I don't know if it is just me, or if all pregnant moms feel a fear like this, but I couldn't stop the thoughts, they bubbled inside me like a large cauldron in my heart and head, and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I was convinced she was never going to greet the world, that I would never hear a laugh or a cry escape her lips. I feared there would be nothing.
This, of course was not the case. Olivia came out and received a 9 out of 10 on the apgar test. She was beautiful, happy and healthy. But 8 short months later our world flipped upside down when she was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and I couldn't help but feel that my instincts had been somewhat right, that something had been wrong during my pregnancy that my feelings had been validated upon the news of this diagnosis. But, this is not the case as mothers cannot feel a stroke taking place while inside the womb, or subsequently the damage that occurs in the brain of an infant. There is no way to know that a stroke has occurred in utero. There is no way to know your child's future at all.
I feel as though I am constantly thinking, writing and talking about my concerns for Olivia's future. I am certain that all parents have this worry inside them for one reason or another, though maybe not quite as intense. I don't think the fear of something happening to my child will ever go away, but hopefully it won't consume my entire being the way it did during my pregnancy. I am not sure if the experience of losing so many people at such a young age has made me paranoid and anxious for what the future may hold for my daughter, but I do know that living in fear is no way to live at all. While I was extremely concerned that Olivia was not okay in utero, it turns out that I was probably just a completely overreacting first time mom.
Even with Olivia's diagnosis of cerebral palsy, she is perfectly healthy, she is simply amazing in fact. She will be okay and life will go on. I am thankful for my my friend's Mom and my own Father for helping me to realize that there is a lot more to being a parent than being afraid of the future. I am trying to stick to that philosophy now as my husband and I help Olivia through this journey filled with so many unknowns. So for now, I am going to say a little prayer for my friend Conrad and all the lives lost so young and work on overcoming my own fears. One day, I may even be able to help Olivia overcome her fears, just as my Father helped me to overcome my own.
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| Me and Conrad - Prom, May 2000 |
After prom Conrad and I didn't end up dating, we were friends and had fun when we hung out and we left it at that. After we graduated we went to colleges a mere 10 miles apart. And in true "it's a small world" fashion, my new freshman roommate happened to be friends with Conrad's hallmate in his dorm. We took a few trips to his college to hang out, but after awhile college life got in the way and our visits became far and few between. In December, I got the news. I don't even remember who called me, or how I found out. I just remember sitting in the hall of my suite crying. Conrad had passed away. It was only seven months ago that we had laughed and danced together at prom. How could this happen?
At the funeral all I remember is taking pictures of the two of us and dropping them on the casket. I turned around and Conrad's father was there and then he laid on the casket, hugging it tight and crying. It was too much to bare. 18 is too young to die, too young to lose a child.
Years later my husband and I were at a Halloween party at my friends house. We had just gotten married that spring, so of course we were starting to get the baby questions. My friend's Mom, had inquired about when children might be coming along and I told her the thought of raising a child is terrifying because I am so afraid that something awful will happen too soon, too young. I told her I couldn't imagine having a child only to have me outlive them, it would be a pain too great.
Her response to this conversation was identical to the guidance my Father had given me when I questioned him years ago about why Conrad had passed away at such a young age. It wasn't fair, why him, why now? I will never forget that night when my Father had told me: Erin, you can't live life like that, for the what if's. You do the best you can, you raise your child to have good morals, teach them right from wrong, how to make good decisions and tough choices and then you hope they succeed when pushed to the test. You just do the best you can and you love them with all you have.
While I remember the words that were said to me, it was much harder to live by this philosophy. Throughout my pregnancy, I was convinced that something was wrong, all.the.time. I often couldn't feel Olivia moving and I was certain something was wrong. I can't explain it, and I don't know if it is just me, or if all pregnant moms feel a fear like this, but I couldn't stop the thoughts, they bubbled inside me like a large cauldron in my heart and head, and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I was convinced she was never going to greet the world, that I would never hear a laugh or a cry escape her lips. I feared there would be nothing.This, of course was not the case. Olivia came out and received a 9 out of 10 on the apgar test. She was beautiful, happy and healthy. But 8 short months later our world flipped upside down when she was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and I couldn't help but feel that my instincts had been somewhat right, that something had been wrong during my pregnancy that my feelings had been validated upon the news of this diagnosis. But, this is not the case as mothers cannot feel a stroke taking place while inside the womb, or subsequently the damage that occurs in the brain of an infant. There is no way to know that a stroke has occurred in utero. There is no way to know your child's future at all.
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| Me and Dad at my wedding, May 2009 |
Even with Olivia's diagnosis of cerebral palsy, she is perfectly healthy, she is simply amazing in fact. She will be okay and life will go on. I am thankful for my my friend's Mom and my own Father for helping me to realize that there is a lot more to being a parent than being afraid of the future. I am trying to stick to that philosophy now as my husband and I help Olivia through this journey filled with so many unknowns. So for now, I am going to say a little prayer for my friend Conrad and all the lives lost so young and work on overcoming my own fears. One day, I may even be able to help Olivia overcome her fears, just as my Father helped me to overcome my own.
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