Worries of a mother of a child with cerebral palsy

My goal throughout this entire journey has been to stay positive and to figure out a way to help my daughter to overcome the obstacles she has and will face each and every day of her life.  And maybe from the outside looking in, I manage to do just that, or at least portray exactly that, a majority of the time.  My posts typically explain how I have found strength through all the challenges Olivia and our family have battled in this never-ending war against cerebral palsy.  I can usually find some type of silver lining in everything we have faced.  But truth be told, I am a walking, talking, oxymoron of mixed emotions.  Happy, sad, up, down, high, low, angry, frustrated, proud, fascinated, discouraged, guilty, lonely, energized.  And on any given day the negative thoughts start to add up, and my worries for my sweet Olivia begin to pile higher and higher, to the point where I am begging for this weight to be lifted off my heart and taken from my soul.

To be clear, I say this because I want to be certain that those going through any type of struggle understand that there will always be bad with the good and good with the bad.  Despite myself, I still have negative and worrisome thoughts that always seem to creep in just as my head reaches the clouds, high from a recent accomplishment Olivia has made or a hard-earned milestone achieved.  I have an ongoing, and ever increasing list of things I worry about and they seem to play on repeat in my mind:

1. Why Olivia?
2. Why our family?
3. Will Olivia be okay?
4. Will she be able to use her right hand one day?
5. Like fully functioning right hand usage?
6. Should I truly be worried about speech, will it come just as the walking did, simply delayed?
7. Why Olivia?
8. Will she always wear this brace (AFO)?
9. If not, how long will she wear this brace?
10. We need to work on her pushing her right hand through her clothes.  Long sleeves are tough.
11. Olivia has to wear two different size shoes to accommodate her brace.  How will this play out when she is older?  How old will she be and have to wear two different size shoes?  Old enough to ask for two shoes the same size?
12. Don't forget to practice turning book pages, pointing to animals and shapes, repeating words, and 8 million other things when you read to Olivia, not including all the things to remember when you play with or feed Olivia.
13. Talk to her while you are in the car, constantly, don't forget.  Speech, language.  Words.  Repeat. Sing songs.  Talk constantly.  Don't forget!
14. Make sure you tell her to use her right hand, when eating, when drinking, when playing.  Mention her right hand.  Make her see and acknowledge her right hand.
15. What if she doesn't acknowledge her right hand, ever?
16. How will she do her hair? How will she do all of the little things that I personally have taken for granted my entire life?  Tie her shoes?  Cut her food with a knife and fork?
17. How is this fair that Olivia has to work this hard to reach all developmental milestones?
18. Why did this happen?
19. Why Olivia?
20. Why anyone?

I have come to accept these thoughts as normal, or at least my normal.  This steadily growing list of worries of a mother of a child with cerebral palsy.  This is part of this process and of the journey, of our journey.  The worry won't go away, not for me or for a mother of any child, disability or no disability.  It's just that my worries might be a little different than those around me, but we all have worries for our babies, our children, and I even would venture to guess that worry doesn't disappear even after your child grows-up and moves out of your home. And that is okay, it's okay to worry.  Give into it every now and again.  It is okay to have bad moments or even bad days.  It's okay to be weak and to be heart broken for your child and for the challenges they have to overcome.  Just don't let the worry take over.  Fill your heart with the positives.  Fill your head with the accomplishments and use it to push forward each and everyday. 

These milestones won't happen through wishful thinking.  

These milestones only happen through hard work and fortitude.  

Be brave. Your child is stronger than you think.  And it turns out, parents are too...